Whenever I lead trainings or speak at events, I enjoy using the fun visual of cups to show how our families, friends, and communities fill us up with love and support!
Let’s take a moment to appreciate what our families, friends, and communities do for us! From the moment we’re born, our families provide not just the essentials like food, shelter, and clothes, but also all the warmth and love we need to flourish. Those gentle hugs, sweet kisses, and encouraging words are what help babies grow strong and happy.
As we grow up, our families become our biggest teachers. They show us through their actions and conversations how to stay safe, make good choices, ride our bikes without fear, tie our shoes, and build friendships. They share important lessons about money, education, spirituality, and values, giving us a sense of security in who we are and where we come from. These bonds are meant to last a lifetime, creating a sense of home where we truly belong and where we always want to make our loved ones proud.
All those special connections meant to last a lifetime really brighten our lives and fill us with happiness! Grandma always reminds us how smart we are, and Grandpa loves to ask for our advice. The neighbor reaches out for our favorite recipes because she thinks we’re such a great cook! Remember those warm snuggles from Mom when we were kids? It's a scent we’ll never forget. Our family expresses their love in so many ways, treating us with kindness and respect. It truly makes our hearts feel full!
What happens when that cup is not filled?
How about the child that does not get their needs met? As an infant they are left to cry in the crib. When they are fed, the bottle is propped, and they get tummy aches and do not eat well. No one holds them and looks them in the eyes and sings and coos to them or reads them a book. Is the attachment connection damaged? Do they grow up to believe Big People will not love them or keep them safe? The child that gets brunt from coffee or the hot iron because no one was watching them; what do they believe about the world and Big People? The child that is left in the playpen and the Big People in his life scream at him to “Shut up” or push him down and hurt him. Will his cup be filled? What is the child learning about the world from Big People when their cups are not being filled?
I write this having worked with many children who experience trauma; their cups are empty, leaving them confused about their own importance and value in this world. They often survive on Doritos and Pepsi or even dig through dumpsters. These children are subjected to harsh words, told things like, “I wish I never had you” or “You wrecked my life.” They walk our streets, attend our churches, and go to our schools, yet we often fail to truly see them. They are the Shadow children—echoes of who they were meant to be if only their cups were full. Their potential has been taken away by the damaging lies of negative self-talk and the mental health struggles of parents who also never had their cups filled. This cycle continues, perpetuating the pain and confusion.
Let’s take a moment to encourage those kids who might be a little rowdy in church or school, or even the ones who can be a bit of a bully on the playground or at the park. I’ve mentioned this before, but their behavior often signals a need we can help meet. Instead of thinking, “It’s not my problem,” let’s remember that we can make a difference. When little Joe runs through your yard causing a ruckus, how about inviting him over for a refreshing pop and some cookies instead of getting upset? Take the time to connect with his parents and offer your support as a mentor. Our kind words and presence can truly help heal and uplift those around us!
I once had a foster child who would often say, “I’m just a piece of poop” (but he used a different word!). At just nine years old, he felt like he could never do anything right, so he often wondered why he should even try. For weeks and months, we worked hard to find ways to lift his spirits and encourage him. Whenever he completed even one homework problem, we cheered him on like the Rockstar he truly was! Our mantra became "Progress, not Perfection." Instead of pushing him to meet our expectations, we focused on what he could achieve at that moment.
This little guy had never really been told that school mattered, so it took some time to help him see things differently. Thankfully, we had plenty of support along the way—it truly was a team effort. It took a village to help him learn to value himself.
I can’t express how wonderful it has been to watch this boy grow into such an incredible young man over the past years! He’s getting ready to enlist in the military, is doing great as an honor student, staying active in sports, and best of all, he really likes who he is! Thanks to some amazing friendships and the kindness of people who made an effort to be there for him, he’s learned to see his own worth. So many caring souls have filled his life with love and encouragement along the way!
How can we fill everyone’s cup? No matter how old you are, there’s always room in your cup! We can fill it with a friendly smile to a stranger or a warm thank you to the waitress. It’s all about spreading kindness, encouragement, and being nice—even to those we might not see eye to eye with!
Let’s remember that it’s all about Progress, not Perfection. We all make mistakes, feel angry, or say the wrong thing sometimes. The good news is that we can always take a step back and express our apologies for how we handled things, even with kids. Let’s keep filling those cups!
I am sorry.
For many, saying "I am sorry" can be one of the toughest things to do. But it's something everyone needs to hear—kids, partners, and siblings alike. Those simple words have such a powerful ability to heal.
As parents, we all make our share of mistakes. Think back to your own childhood—most of us didn’t grow up with perfect parents! If you made it through with fewer scars, you’re one of the lucky ones. What really matters is that many of us had parents who owned up to their choices and actions. They said,
"I am sorry," and filled our hearts with love then, and they continue to do so today.
Think about it.
Cheers to my fellow cuppers!
Terri Mielitz
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